“What About Socialization?”

I thought this question had finally been put to rest. Yet here it was again. An acquaintance (a former teacher) was concerned about a homeschooled family member who does not get to spend a lot of time with friends. “Their family is not in a group like yours.” 

After a little more inquiry, I discovered that the family does participate in a church – just not a homeschool group or co-op. That is just NOT enough socialization in this family member’s eyes – especially at middle school age. 

Had I been quick-thinking I would have mentioned that middle schoolers are not exactly known for their excellent social skills.

But I was not quick-thinking. So I have been pondering this topic once again. 

A Time of Transition

I recall my own kids’ experiences. From ages 11 to 14, even 15, they were still trying to figure out who they were, what they liked, what they did not like. Of course they did not voice it that way. Nor did they consider it in that light. They just knew that one week they liked one thing and the next week it was something else. All of this was compounded by the physical changes that took place during those years.

Meanwhile, their friends were going through the same things mentally, emotionally, and physically. Friends of younger years no longer shared similar interests. Age gaps of one or two years which had been nothing before, now seemed enormous. 

And so, the middle school years tend to be rather lonely years – no matter the educational model. 

But does joining a group fix that loneliness? And is loneliness even so terrible that we should avoid it at all costs? I would answer “No” to both. In fact, joining a group can exacerbate the problem. 

Groups

When you force together large groups of middle school age kids, socialization becomes a nightmare. Even in small groups, socializing is difficult at best. No one in that age group is constant or confident in who they are. Things that are fashionable or popular one moment are out the next. There is nothing solid, nothing stable. That environment is not conducive to developing quality friendships.

That is not to say that groups are all bad or that families should drop out of co-ops and other groups when their kids reach middle school age.

The point is that peer groups should never be our primary focus for socialization at any age – especially from 11 to 14. Instead, we prioritized healthy relationships with immediate and extended family as well as interaction with like-minded adults and families through ministries and other activities centered around shared interests. 

Whether in a group or not, do not worry if your kid does not have close friends during that time. Which brings us to the next point.

Loneliness

Loneliness is something we all must face. There are times of loss and grief when loneliness is obvious and persistent. However we can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. We can be married and have a family and still feel lonely.

In the Bible, we see that Elijah, David, even Jesus experienced times of loneliness. It is a part of life, especially for those of us who choose to live differently from the world. Each of us must learn how to handle loneliness a godly way – by taking it to God.

When our kids were in those transition years and wanted to find a good friend, we prayed with them that God would bring them one. It took a few years of faithful prayer, a willingness to wait on God’s timing, and some personal growth. 

But God was faithful!

He blessed both our kids with amazing friends. The kind that stick around through plandemics and breakups. Who encourage and challenge each other to grow in faith. And because our kids understand the value friendships, they are willing to do the work necessary to maintain those relationships over time and distance.

My Prayer

So I pray for my friend – that she will come to understand God’s design for education and will be comforted knowing that her family member will be just fine. And I pray for my friends who are going through this season with their children. May God continue to guide you and meet all your needs according to His abundant grace.

God is always faithful – to our children as they grow; to us as we disciple them.